To All The Girls I've Loved Before

                                                    The Art of Marriage

     I've mentioned that I've been married numerous times. There was Charsa, Brenda, Barbara, and Pam. Mary Ellen is in there somewhere but I leave her out of the official tally because we only lasted six days and I think I forgot to divorce her. She's not complaining and neither am I. 

     My mother told me if I ever disrespected a decent girl she would kill me. Consequently, the only come on line I had was, "Will you marry me?" I apparently was good at it because I never got turned down. That, and getting married in Texas is easy. You can do it during lunch, and they give you a little gift pack to take home. Mainly soaps and deodorant. 

     My first wife was Charsa. She was a waitress who worked with my mother. I dated her for about two months and she was skinny with bad teeth. I was nineteen or so, and she was divorced. When I told my mother I was going to marry her she beat me in the head with an iron skillet. I married her anyway. We had a good relationship right up until she left me. I was devastated. Actually, she ran off with her boyfriend. 

     Then came Brenda. She was a friend of my sister, and a really cute blonde. She was younger than me and her dad freaked out when she ran away to be with me. He eventually paid fora wedding in his house. We had two boys, and held together for seven brutal years. She took it all personal when I flew off to New York to see Mary Ellen. 

     Mary was a dandy. She was New York. She lived on Long Island, wore stockings, her father was rich, and she loved to go to bed. Of course, my marriage to Brenda crashed and burned when I went to New York. She cleaned me out and went to her parent's house in Illinois? I convinced Mary to come to Texas. Of course I lied to her. I moved her into an apartment, whereupon she freaked out and went right back to New York. She did continue to visit me from time to time.

     Then there was Barbara. I married her to get custody if my two boys. She was ten years older than I was, had this God-awful tattoo on her privates, and we slept in separate rooms. It was along about this time that I began to write comedy. I put up with her for two years. I met Pam, went home, and ran her off. 

     Then came my twenty-five year marriage to Pam. Pam is the love of my life. We divorced over the mess with my grandchildren, and she remarried, but she stands by me. I'm convinced I could not live in a world without Pam. 

     We pass through this life with a lot of people. My life has been, well, interesting. I wouldn't have missed any of these girls. Thank you each and everyone.